“Condescending Chad”

You said, after an argument.

We agreed to name our flaws. We thought it’d be a way to navigate the name-calling.

I like it, I said, because I tended to be agreeable in the glow of a post-fight.

Controlling Charlie, you smiled, minutes later, when I chose the black beans with spice instead of the black beans organic, and you switched the two out of the basket.

I gritted my teeth. It was less funny following the beans.

And me?

Dramatic Diana.

I shook my head. No, that’s my aunt’s name.

You nodded.

Besides, I said. I don’t agree.

Emotional Elaine.

I don’t think having emotion is a pitfall.

Hangry Helen.

I’ll take that, I said – fishing a bag of Pirates Booty into the cart.

You said you didn’t want to eat as much dairy.

I turn to you. I’m not going to eat the whole bag in a sitting. 

Defensive Diane.

I turned. That’s my other aunt’s name.

Defensive Dakota.

Fine, I said –

Wondering, briefly, why my names –

Felt less like flaws,

Than yours.

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